Happy New Year

We hope you are all enjoying the new year so far. Our family is looking forward to all the blessing God has in store for us this year. As we look back on last year we would have never guessed we would get to 2009 without Lindsay. But God knew that before she was born and here we are. We look back at all the good things that 2008 brought us. All the memories we shared together as a family, and all the hard times we have had. God was and still has been faithful to us all year and he continues to be as we start the year 2009.

We had a wonderful Christmas with our families. We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in NJ with my family. We had a wonderful day and shed lots of tears. Lindsay was missed so much but I know she was watching us from heaven. We then headed back to New Hampshire Christmas night so we could have Christmas with Jon's parents and Uncle Aaron and Aunt Alyssa on Saturday.

We rang in the New Year by just staying at home and enjoying one another. We have much to be thankful for this year. As we start this year we look forward to the birth of the new baby and all of the many other blessings God will share with us. We will also still need lots of prayer and we still have some firsts to go through. But we know that with God we will get us through all of them.

I want to share this poem with you that my Grandmother wrote on January 1, 1996.

As we stand on the brink of a New Year,

Watching the old disappear.

We don't know what's in the future,

But we DO KNOW THAT GOD IS NEAR.

Let's thank Him for all the good times

And yes, for the hard times too.

For the lessons we learned through the difficult times

Made us stronger to see each day through.

Let's forget all the trials and problems,

That we faced in the previous year.

And press on by God's Grace to face the unknown,

With JOY and without any fear.

He's met every need in past years,

Exceeding, abundant, above,

More than we ever dreamed of,

Out if His heart of Love,

Let's trust Him and keep on believing,

Let Him lead each step f the way.

And follow daily the sound of His voice.

In order to serve Him each day.

Yes, another year is before us,

Like a blanket of new fallen snow.

Let's be careful just how we walk in it

For each one of our steps will show.

We love you all very much and we hope that God brings your family with lots of blessings in this New Year. Some of you may remember that while Lindsay was in the hospital we asked you to pray for a few of her friends. One of them was a little boy named Elijah. We just found out that he passed away on Nov. 29. If you could pray for the Marsh family we would greatly appreciate it and I know they would to. I am sure Lindsay was there with a smile and a hug for Elijah and I am sure she will take care of him.

Lindsay's Christmas In Heaven

I was just got done checking our heart friend's blog and she has posted this song. Let me tell you that listening to this song the tears are flowing. This song is beautiful and I hope you take the time to listen but grab some tissues.

Thanks Rebecca for sharing this song with me!

www.christianpublicityservices.com/dramatic_rose/dramatic_rose/sarahchristmas.htm

If you copy and paste it will work.

7 Months

As I sit and write our 7 month blog we have no power. We had a very bad ice storm come through our area on Thursday. We have been without power since Friday sometime. Please be praying that we will get power soon. There are tons of other people who are without and let me tell you it's not fun. Thankfully we do have a generator to give us power.

Wow 7 months have gone by and we find ourselves missing Lindsay more and more. Christmas is fast approaching and I find myself not really getting into the Christmas spirit. I try not to think about Christmas day and somehow hoping that it passes by us. I don't think that will happen and I know that in 10 days we will face this Christmas without our Lindsay Bear. We won't be alone and we will be surrounded by family who will help us get through this time. I keep thinking about the Christmas that Lindsay will get to spend in heaven. To be with Jesus on His birthday and sit at his feet. If only we could have a little window to look through to see what she is doing this Christmas morning. Lindsay will be missed very much by everyone in our family this year. I hope you take time to remember that Christmas isn't about all the decorating, the shopping, the presents, the food, or giving gifts. Christmas is about the birth of Jesus and that is the real reason for the season.

Last month I was going through all the Lindsay basket stuff. I came across the pink pray for Lindsay bracelets and was wondering what we were going to do with them. So I thought about it for a few days and God laid another Lindsay on my heart and mind. Her name is Lindsay Dean and she is another heart baby that we have been keeping up on her blog. God put on my heart that we should send the bracelets to this family to help them out. So we contacted them and they were thrilled to get them. So if you still have your bracelet please remember to pray for Lindsay Dean. We have added her blog to our page. We would encourage you to keep up with her story.

The Lindsay Baskets haven't been made up yet because of everything that has been happening this month. I am hoping once January comes to make them up then and get them delivered. I put one together a few weeks ago and I got so excited to get them started.

In other Groen family news, Baby Groen is doing well. I had a doctor's appointment last week and I was able to hear the heartbeat which was very strong. I am 15 weeks now and starting to feel lots of flutters and movement. On Jan 5 we go for our first ultrasound. We won't be finding out what this little one is because we want to be surprised. Sometime the last week in Jan we will have a fetal echo cardiogram ultrasound. They don't think there is anything wrong with baby but want to check things out. I will let you know on a date.

We hope each and everyone of you has a Blessed Holiday Season with your family and friends. We love each and everyone one of you.

THANKSGIVING DAY

I would like to thank all of our families and our extend blog family for the way that you have supported Laura, Jon, and Tanner during this very difficult year. We have appreciated the notes of encouragement, but most of all, we appreciate your prayers.

For those of you who have experienced loss, you know that the "firsts" are very hard. The kids are coming into one of the toughest seasons of the year, and I know that they would appreciate your prayers.

This morning I was reminded of a song written by Dan Burgess that expresses what is on our hearts as we celebrate this Thanksgiving Day.

Thank You Lord for the trials that come my way

in that way I can grow each day as I let You lead

and thank you Lord for the patience those trials bring

in the process of growing I can learn to care

chorus

but it goes against the way I am
to put my human nature down

and let the spirit take control of all I do

cause when those trials come my human nature

shouts the things to do and

God's soft prompting can be easily ignore

verse 2

I thank you Lord with each trial I feel inside

that you're there to help lead and guide me away from wrong

cause you promised Lord that with every testing

that your way of escaping is easier to bear

verse 3

I thank you Lord for the victory that growing brings

in surrender of everything life is so worthwhile

and I thank you Lord that when everything's put in place

out in front I can see your face and it's there you belong

As of this morning, there have been over 58,000 hits to Lindsay's blog. That boggles our minds. Thank you for partnering with us on this journey.

I would love to have many of you write to Laura and Jon today. Let's encourage them on this Thanksgiving Day. Lindsay Bear -- Pop-Pop and Granny love you so very much and miss you!!!

6 Months

Today marks another month with out Lindsay Bear. We still continue to miss her tons and she is never far from our minds. We talk about her all the time and all the silly things she did. We continue to hang on to each other and to hold on to God. Before I sat down to write for this month I felt that I needed to hear from God. As I began to read my devotions for today the verses seem to jump out at me. I read in 1 Peter 4: 12-19. The first part of this verse says; Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But REJOICE that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. How true is this for all of us that even though we are missing Lindsay we are to still rejoice. Sometimes that is hard to do but we do rejoice because we know where she is and that one day we will see her again. I encourage you to read the rest of those verses. I also was reading in my grandmother's devotional that went along with these verses. She wrote this; We may go through some kinds of experiences that throw us and we wonder why God has allowed them and then suddenly we realize He was there with us all the time and gave strength to endure and even used each experience for HIS OWN GLORY. Realizing this can bring us overwhelming JOY. Amen!! We still continue to hear from people that have been touched by Lindsay's life. I was sitting and thinking about Lindsay the other day and was wondering if she misses us. I am sure she does but she knows that one day we will see her again. I often wonder what her days are like in heaven and what fun things she is doing. I am sure she is having the time of her life and is being taken care of very well.

In other news, the Lindsay Baskets haven't been put together yet. We are waiting on a few more things to go in them. We have collected a lot of stuff for them and I can't wait to put them together. Thanks to all of you who have helped out in some way. We are truly greatful for you willingness to help with this project. My Dad has just produced his first solo piano Cd and has dedicated it to Lindsay. Thanks Dad!! We also want to thank my cousin Megan and Richie for there help with the Lindsay Bear playground at Keswick.
One more thing I wanted to mention is Lindsay's baby brother or sister. I had a doctor's appointment last week and I was able to hear the heartbeat for the first time. Since I was only 10 weeks my doctor didn't think he would be able to hear it but the Lord made that happen. So far everything seems to be going well. Please keep praying for this little one inside. We can still use some pray as the coming holidays fall upon us. I am sure they are going to be hard for all of us. But with God's help we can get through it together.

We love each and everyone of you and thank you for all your prayers and encouragement. Lindsay Bear we miss you so much and we love you more than you know!!!

Happy 30th Birthday, Laura

Today is Laura's 30th birthday. I can't believe she is 30. Where does the time go? Jan and I are so proud of Laura and thankful for the wonderful daughter, sister, Mom, wife, and friend that she is to all us. She is one very special young lady.

Laura's testimony this past year has been a blessing to thousands who have watched her walk through some very difficult days with Lindsay's sickness and homegoing, along with the miscarriage. In the midst of the pain and suffering, Laura has demonstrated her condfidence and trust in the Lord.

Laura Ruth, "we love you a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck, and a barel and a heap and a talkin' in our sleep about you!" From all of us -- Happy 30th Birthday!!!

5 Months and Lindsay's A Big Sister

Well today marks 5 months since Lindsay has been in heaven. We still miss her so much and wish she was here with us all the time. We are learning how to try and get into a normal when some days all we want to do is hold her in our arms. Her story continues to help people who are going through some hard times and we continue to share her story as much as we can. Our family just recently lost a dear friend of ours Mr. Steve. He was a man of God and touched and helped so many lives while he was here on earth. Mr. Steve gave the biggest and the best bear hugs ever and I am sure that when he got to heaven Lindsay was there to get one of his special bear hugs. Please continue to pray for the Deichert family as they go through the new journey in life without Mr. Steve.
The Lindsay baskets are going well. God has been blessing us with lots of items already for them. We are still in need of some more things to fill them up. If you are still interested in helping please send me an email at jonnlaura@hotmail.com. We haven't put any together yet because we are waiting until we have what we need. I am looking forward to the day when we can deliver them to Boston Children's Hospital. Thank you to those who have already sent us things for the baskets.
We still continue to hear from the nurses and sometimes doctors on 8 south. I would encourage you to still pray for them everyday. Every night when Tanner goes to bed we pray for all the babies and kids as well as the doctors and nurses. Please feel free to keep sending them cards of encouragement.

O.k. now to the other news you have been wondering about. Sometime in June a new baby Groen will be joining our family. We are so excited about a new baby in the family. But we are also scared at the same time that we will either lose this baby or something will be wrong. I keep having to remind myself that God is in total control and that we need to give our fears over to Him. We have been praying for this for a while now and we are so glad that God has given us a little one to take care of. We know that having this baby isn't going to take away the pain of losing Lindsay and that this baby won't ever replace her. But maybe just give us another glimpse of Lindsay and watching he or she grow. Last night Tanner and I had a little talk about this new baby. I asked him if he wanted a brother or a sister. He right away said a baby sister. It was neat to see his eyes light up when he said that to me as well as brought tears to my eyes. I then told him that he needed to pray and ask Jesus if he could have a baby sister. Will you join him in praying for a baby sister? We will be happy with either one of course but I think a sister would be special. He also asked what name we would give the baby and do you know what his answer was, Lindsay :(. Talk about breaking my heart when I heard that but you can tell that he misses her so much. We would covet your prayers over the next 9 months as this baby grows inside of me. I know that Lindsay would be the best big sister ever. Having a sister is the greatest thing in the world. I love my sister more than she knows and I cherish how close we have become over the years now that she has kids to. Julie, I love you and I can't than you enough for all your support, words of encouragement, hugs, and especially letting me adopt Emma like she was my own. I love you!!
God has truly blessed us over these past 5 months. We have learned a lot, cried a lot, and have cherished every minute we had with Lindsay. She will never ever be forgotten and her new sister or brother will know who she is and how special she is.

Lindsay Bear, Mommy, Daddy, and Tanner miss you so much and we hope you are having fun in heaven. We can't wait until we can hold you in our arms again. We love you more than you know!

4 Months and Lindsay Baskets

Well today marks 4 months of Lindsay being with Jesus. It sure feels some days like only yesterday and other times it feels like way longer. Still not a day goes by that we don't think of her or talk about something silly that she did. Tanner loves to remember things about her and how silly they were together. We are doing good and still taking one day at a time. Today Tanner and I are going to have lunch with Jon at work. We got 4 balloons to let go today to. Yesterday I went and picked up some roses and gave Jon's parents 4 and the rest are sitting on my counter. Just a little reminder of how special Lindsay is. Last week Tanner and I went and had shirts made up for Emma and Sam for there birthday's. We put pictures of Lindsay on them and they turned out so cute. I have to admit that it was hard for me last week on there birthday's. Hearing how fun there parties were and wishing that I was there. Also wishing that we could have had a party for Lindsay. I told Julie that she needs to cherish those special days and moments. For those of you that have kids some advice from me today is to take as many pictures during the day as possible. I now carry my camera in my purse to capture any precious moment that comes our way.

O.k. you are probably wondering about the basket part. We have come in contact with a lady who lost her little girl. She has started making up baskets in memory of her little girl and taking them to the ICU at the hospital they were at. This has sparked something in me that I would love to start and to give back to those on 8 south. In fact this lady as of last week has made 100 baskets. I have been praying about this and I think that it would be a great way to share Jesus love and to continue to share Lindsay's story. Here is somethings that we are wanting to but in the baskets:
receiving blankets
soft and or fuzzy socks
note cards
maybe some stamps
a gift card to the places they have there to eat
a little basket
a little bear ( to help the nurses hold up tubes and arms and legs)
All of these things need to be new and not used. A lot of things helped us while we were in the hospital. Right now I have a bunch of bears that my Uncle's church gave to us to give out. If you would like to help out in anyway with these basket's please let me know. You can email me at jonnlaura@hotmail.com. My prayer is that with these baskets we can bring a smile to a families face and share the love of Jesus to everyone who gets one.

We can't thank you all enough for all your encouraging words on the blog, the cards in the mail, and even emails that you have sent. Please don't stop praying for us and please keep praying for the nurses, doctors, and all the babies and kids that are on 8 south. We love you all more than you know.

Lindsay Bear you are missed so much and are loved so much!

Our Pumpkin Patch

The weather here in New Hampshire is starting to show signs of fall. Last week I started getting out my fall decorations. I got the idea to look for pictures of the kids with a pumpkin in the picture to print out to use as a decoration. Last year we got a big pumpkin and I took the kids picture with it. Now these pictures are so precious to me. We have 4 pumpkins in our patch and only 1 of them we will see grow. We continue to take one day at a time. Living each day to the fullest and enjoying each other. God has been so good to us in the last 3 1/2 months and has held us so close in his arms.

I was reading in my devotions this afternoon and this struck me. My daily bread said this; When the question is asked, 'Why did this happen?' perhaps one answer will be, 'So that many will consider where they will spend eternity.'" Trusting in the sovereignty of God can turn outrage into compassion and hatred into concern. Then I read this little saying; The Lord can turn a tragedy into an opportunity to show us that eternity must never be ignored. I also love this verse from 2 Timothy 4: 7,8 Lindsay has fought the good fight she has finished the race, so that we have kept the faith. Now there is in store for us the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to us on that day and not only to us, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. Amen to that.

We are all apart of God's pumpkin patch and he gets to watch us grow into beautiful pumpkins that want to live for Him. So I ask you are you apart of God's pumpkin patch and are you growing to live your life for Him. I know that I fail sometimes but I know that God will forgive me and that He will help me grow.

Lindsay, you will always be our little pumpkin and we miss you so much!

Lindsay Butterflies

Here is what they look like. These were taken on Pop-Pop and Granny's butterfly bush!

3 Months And Yellow Butterflies

Today marks 3 months that Lindsay has been with Jesus. She is missed more and more everyday. Some days are harder than others and we just take one day at a time. Tanner is doing well and not a day goes by that something doesn't come up about something he remembers about her. God has been with us each step of the way in the past three months. If we didn't have him I don't know where we would be today. Tanner and I are in NJ and Jon is back at home. Please pray for Jon today as he isn't with us.

You are probably wondering about my title. When we went to Va for a little vacation we stayed at a lake house. One day while Tanner was playing in the sand at the lake 3 beautiful yellow butterflies came by us and they wouldn't leave. Everytime we were out they were out. Then I got to thinking about Lindsay and our other 2 babies that are in heaven with her and how those butterflies stayed together. Then when my parents came to visit in June the yellow butterflies were at our house but this time only one. Last week when Mom was outside with Tanner a yellow butterfly came and was flying around Tanner for awhile. Mom said that they haven't seen a yellow butterfly at all this summer. Yesterday when we were at Six Flags Mom said a yellow butterfly came on the playground with them. Everytime we see these yellow butterflies we are reminded of Lindsay. Tanner now calls them Lindsay butterflies. If you see a yellow butterfly around sometime just remember Lindsay and that she is watching over you.

We can't thank all of you enough for all your prayers, cards, posts on the blog, and for your encouraging words. We appreciate each and everyone of you. Please don't stop praying because we still need it. I would encourage you to still pray for the babies and kids on 8 south and for the doctors and nurses. You can still send them cards if you feel led. I am sure they would appreciate them all.

Lindsay Bear we miss you so much and we love you!

Written In God's Book

The last few days in my devotions, God has been taking me to Psalm 139. Lately on my mind has been why this happened, and what signs did I miss and should have caught. But then after reading Pslam 139 I am reminded that God knew before Lindsay was even concieved He knew the plan he had for her. One verse that struck me was verse 15-16 it says, My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Wow and so amazing to me. I know that this doesn't take away the pain of her not being here with us but in some small way it helps.
Yesterday a very special friend to our family went home to be with Jesus. Pastor Bill entered heaven's gates and was welcomed in by Jesus. As I was thinking about this today I am hoping that a blonde haired little girl with her Daddy's blue eyes and a smile that could light up a room, went to greet him and give him a great big hug. My friend Melissa also commented on her face book the same exact thing about her little girl. One day we will all enter those gates and I can't wait to see my Lindsay Bear running to welcome us. Please pray for the Raws family as they mourn the loss of a husband, dad, grandfather, and friend. Also keep praying for Mr. Steve. He is doing better but is still very sick. Please keep praying for my Dad as he goes through losing another friend and mentor. Dad and Mom were with Pastor Bill and the family yesterday when he went home. I know that was very hard for both of them to do. I love you Daddy and Mom!!!

Two Months

It's hard to believe that it has been two months today. We aren't exactly at the right time yet but still hard to believe. We have been so blessed over the past 2 months and God has given us so much comfort and strength to get through some hard days. I know this is not the end of the hard times but with our faith in God we can get through it. I was reading in my devotions this morning about trees. The title of the devotional is Graceful Oaks. In the beginning it talks about loving trees in the summer and how majestic and commanding . They offer their leafy, green shade free of charge. They bend in the breeze without breaking and they provide shelter for living creatures. Like the mighty oaks, God planted us in His garden. He put us there to care for all living things that are part of it. He placed us there for His glory. This really stuck out at me after reading it. Lindsay was placed in our garden. He gave her to us to help her grow and for us to take care of her and all for His glory. I have been asking God lately why He had to take her. I think I just got from Him part of my answer. God trusted Jon and I with Lindsay and we helped her grow. WOW! She was a beautiful little girl (like a flower) that grew and now she is even more beautiful in heaven. Our nurse Moria sent me an email yesterday and in her email she sent this poem.
God has not promised skies always blue, flower-shewn pathways all our lives through; God has not promised sun without rain, joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God has promised strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way. Grace for trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy undying love. What a neat poem and a perfect time to send it to.
I would like to ask you to please pray for a good friend of our family Mr. Steve Deichert. He had to have unexpected brain surgery yesterday. He is very critical right now. Mr. Steve is a great man and we got to work with him at Sandy Cove. Also if you could pray for Pastor Bill Raws as he is hanging on to life. My Dad could use your prayers as this has been difficult for him to watch Pastor Bill. After going through all of the things we went through with Lindsay he is going through it again.

Lindsay, We miss you so much and we love you more than you know. You will always be our Lindsay Bear and we will never ever forget you!

One More Day

Today has been a tough day for me as well as Jon. Some days are better than others for us. I don't know what sparked it for today but I am missing Lindsay so much. I am wanting to change her diaper and change her clothes. Jon and Tanner were working in the basement and she is supposed to be done there helping and causing trouble. Some days I just want to hold and snuggle her or hear her say Mommy and Daddy and watch her play with Tanner. This is all so hard and missing her hurts more and more each day. As I sit here and write my feelings tears stream down my face. As I said before I know that God has a reason for taking her home with him and I have to keep holding on to that. A song just came on the the ipod right now about casting all my cares upon the Lord and laying them at his feet. As more tears come from my eyes and remembering that I used to sing that to Lindsay while I held her hand. But how true that song is and that we can cast all our cares, fears, worries, at his feet. Those of you that have little ones don't take for granted all the times you have to change diapers, or clothes, or feed your little one, or hug and kiss them because if I had one more day I would do all those things and more!

She's In His Hands

She's In His Hands

A good friend sent me this picture today. I couldn't help but think of Lindsay when I saw the picture. It made me miss her so much, but what a wonderful

reminder that she is in the arms of our Savior.

I could help but think of Fanny Crosby's hymn, SAFE IN THE ARMS OF JESUS

Safe in the arms of Jesus,

Safe on His gentle breast;

There by His love o’ershaded,

Sweetly my soul shall rest.

Hark! ’tis the voice of angels

Borne in a song to me,

Over the fields of glory,

Over the jasper sea.

Refrain:

Safe in the arms of Jesus,

Safe on His gentle breast;

There by His love o’ershaded,

Sweetly my soul shall rest.

Safe in the arms of Jesus,

Safe from corroding care,

Safe from the world’s temptations;

Sin cannot harm me there.

Free from the blight of sorrow,

Free from my doubts and fears;

Only a few more trials,

Only a few more tears!

Jesus, my heart’s dear Refuge,

Jesus has died for me;

Firm on the Rock of Ages

Ever my trust shall be.

Here let me wait with patience,

Wait till the night is o’er;

Wait till I see the morning

Break on the golden shore.

Lindsay, we love you and miss you.

Life Without Jesus

Here is a poem I read the other day in my Nanny's devotional book.

Life without Jesus would be meaningless.

Life without Jesus would be hopelessness.

Life without Jesus I cannot conceive,

Lord I'm so glad for the day I believed.

Life without Jesus is not life at all.

No one to help us the moment we call.

No one to guide us each step of the way.

No one to answer the moment we pray.

Life without Jesus, life without Him.

Would just be a life that was still full of sin.

No hope for the future, eternity's mourn

Would be better, far better if we weren't born.

But life with the Saviour is life full of joy. (which Lindsay is doing)

Life with the Master no man can destroy.

He's mine for all time and eternity too

If only the world knew what Jesus could do.

The world with it's wealth and it's pleasure combined

Could never compare with salvation that's mine

For Jesus is all that this old world would need

If only they'd open their hearts and believe.

This poem spoke to my heart after I read it. If we didn't know Jesus we would have never made it through this. But we do know Him and that's all we need.

Today I was cleaning out the diaper pail to use when Julie, Garrett, Emma, and Ethan come on Sat. I had set it outside and forgot that there were a few diapers in there. So needless to say it was very smelly and full of rain water. As I was dumping out the water I realized that those were the last 3 diapers I changed at home. That sure made me sad and long more for Lindsay. You forget what it's like to change diapers everyday but I sure miss doing it everyday.

Windsay Did It!

I wasn't going to add a second post but this little story had to be told.

Yesterday afternoon I was cleaning out the van. I vaccumed and washed all the windows and they were sparkling. When we got in the van with Grandpa and Grandma to head to the airport I was sitting in the back with Tanner. I then was noticing places that I had missed when I was cleaning the windows. In the back window I noticed what looked to be finger print marks. I then asked Tanner if he had touched them when he was in the van watching me. He said no Mommy, Windsay did it!!! Needless to say we all broke out in laughter and even he thought he was funny.

Giving Back

Last night Tanner and I rode along to Boston with Grandpa and Grandma. Uncle Arlin and Aunt Linda were supposed to fly into Boston around 7:50 but didn't come in until 1o:30. Anyway, we went along to make a special trip back to Boston Children's Hospital to deliver some gift bags to five special nurses. I was given a whole bunch of lotions and facial stuff to give to them. Tanner and I also added dumb-dums and chocolate. Tanner would hand out dumb-dums to the nurses all the time while we were there. I have been back once since Lindsay went home but Tanner hadn't been back. He was very excited to get there and see what had changed. I was nervous going up the elevator to the 8 floor. Tanner of course got in and said 8th floor right Mommy. We were able to see Joanna, Melissa, Dr. Sarah, and Frank. It was wonderful to see them and to see there faces light up when we handed them there gift bag. It also felt strange not rushing back to bed space 9 to see what was happening. I almost felt lost just standing there and not going back. After we visited for awhile Tanner needed to get to the playroom. You should have heard him all excited about all the new toys that were there. We had some dinner in the cafeteria and then went to eat in the garden. Tanner was thrilled to see the fountains, flowers, and even the playground again. He even got to see the helicopter land and take off. It was a joy for me to watch him be so happy and excited to be back there. Maybe it was healing to him going back.
There is not a day, hour, minute, or second that does not go by that Lindsay is not on my mind. Even starting yesterday out and the tears that came for her. I sat and wondered what her hair would have looked like, listening to her talk even more, seeing her smile and I could go on. I hope sometime God would give me just a glimpse as to what she is doing up there in heaven. Going back to Boston where we spent so much time there and giving back something to the nurses felt so good. I wish I could have brought something for all of them but for those I did I felt joy. Joanna also had mentioned that she had gotten a card from someone and to see her light up talking about getting a card was neat. Please if you feel led to keep sending them cards to just let them know you are praying for them or thanking them please keep doing it. Lindsay's story is still being written and she is still touching people's lives. Lindsay Bear, Mommy loves you and misses you so much!

Somewhere Down the Road

Earlier in the week, Jan, Zach and me were in Ocean City with some dear friends. They wanted to watch the slide show that Jon's brother put together for Lindsay's Memorial service.

I thought I was doing better but watching that slide show sure did hurt. Today Laura sent us pictures ... she prefaced her email saying we might now want to open the pictures. I was not going to ... and then I did ... it stinks. I don't quite understand it ... I want to take the pain away from Laura and Jon. I want Tanner to have his best buddy back.

Right now none of this really makes sense, except for trusting in a sovereign God who sees the bigger picture that I cannot quite grasp. Tonight I read Amy Grant's new book, MOSAIC. Laura, you loved Amy as a kid ... I could tell a really funny story about one song you used to sing at the end of our driveway ... but you'd strangle me!

This song was just what I needed to hear -- SOMEWHERE DOWN THE ROAD

So much pain and no good reason why,
You've cried until the tears run dry.

And nothing hear can make you understand.

The one thing you held so hear, has slipped from your two hands.

And you say
Why why why?D

Does it go this way?

Why why why

And all is can say is

Somewhere down the road,

There'll be answers to the questions

Somewhere down the road

Though we cannot see it now

Somewhere down the road

You will find mighty arms

Reaching for you

And they will hold the answers at the end of the road

Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all

I thought I'd climbed the highest wall

But now I see that learning never ends.
And all I know to do is keep on walking

Walking 'round the bend.

Saying

Why why why?

Does it go this way?

Why why why?

And all I can say ... all I know to say now is

Somewhere down the road,

There'll be answers to the questions,

Somewhere down the road

Though we cannot see it now

Somewhere down the road

You will find mighty arms

Reaching for you

And they will hold the answers at the end of the road.

(Amy Grant)

I miss you, Lindsay Bear!

A Smile That Can Brighten Your Day

Oh, how I long to see her smiling back at me with those big blue eyes. Her smile could sure light up a room or anyone's bad and gloomy day. I was just looking through pictures and seeing her smile and her really silly smiles makes me smile. But also makes me miss her even more. I wish I could share every picture we have of her with everyone but I think I will share a few.

We have a new skylight in our bathroom now. The other day Tanner was going potty and I siad something to him about how pretty the sky was with the new skylight. He then asked if Lindsay could see in our new skylight and I told him she sure could. He then became silly and asked if she could see his new spiderman underwear. That made me smile and say yes she could and then we both laughed. Tanner makes me smile when he remembers Windsay and all the fun things they did together. I know that when he talks about her sometimes he gets a big smile on his face. So when you are having a sad and gloomy day just look at these pictures of Lindsay because I know she will bring a smile to your face. I can just see her on Jesus's lap smiling at him and making him smile as well!!!