Friday, April 15, 2011

One Of The Worst Days

I have to be honest this morning and say that for some reason in my mind this awful day 3 years ago was tomorrow. I don't know why I thought that but thank goodness for this blog. I went back to that post and checked and there it was.
I remember starting out the day by taking Lindsay down in the wagon for a chest x ray. I remember it was so hard to watch her being so weak. Jon helped the whole time by lifting her up and moving her around for the different pictures. She would let out these little moans which was so sad. We then took her and Tanner out to the playground for her to get some fresh air. She sat in her little wagon and watched Tanner. We then took her back to her room to rest. I remember that she was just not herself and then she broke out into some sort of rash. We had the doctor's come in and look at it but they didn't seem to worried. I remember asking her if she wanted uppies (to be held) so of course I scooped her up. Then it started to happen, she kept saying Mommy and I would say I am here Lindsay mommy is here. I remember looking at Jon and saying something is really wrong you better go get Julia (she was our nurse and our hero) She kept saying it over and over and then all of a sudden her breathing got funny and she was struggling to breathe and then her color changed. Just as this was happening Julia was walking by our room and looked in and knew something was wrong. All I remember after that was Julia taking her away and alarms going off and doctor's and nurses swarming every where. My body went numb as I had no idea what was going on. I remember telling the nurses to get Jon out of the room because I didn't want him to be in there alone and watching what was happening. We then went into a nurses office and prayed and prayed and prayed for her. We then had to call Mom and tell her to come back up to the floor right away. She had been at the play ground with Tanner. I am thankful he wasn't there to see all that happen.

I am sorry if this is hard for anyone to read. I didn't think I would write it all out but I felt I needed to. Even as hard as this was to write out I can look back and see that God was with us and taking care of us the whole time. Even though we didn't know what the next few weeks wold hold for us he did. Psalm 139: 8-10 says If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Then in verse 16 it says; When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How true is verse 16; that he knew on April 15,2008 that she would go into cardiac arrest and that on May 16, 2008 she would live with him.
I read again this morning in Streams in the desert this;The strength of our faith is in direct proportion to our level of belief that God will do exactly what He has promised. Faith has nothing to do with feelings, impressions, outward appearances, nor the probability of an event. If we try to couple these things with faith, we are no longer resting on the Word of God, because faith is not dependent on them. Faith rests on the pure Word of God alone. And when we take Him at His word, our hearts are at peace.
God delights in causing us to exercise our faith. He does so to bless us individually, to bless the church at large, and as a witness to unbelievers. Yet we tend to retreat from the exercising of our faith instead of welcoming it. When trials come our response should be, "My heavenly Father has placed this cup of trails into my hands so I may later have something pleasant."
Trials are the food of faith. Oh may we leave ourselves in the hands of our heavenly Father! It is the joy of his heart to do good to all His children. Yet trials and difficulties are not the only way faith is exercised and thereby increased. Reading the Scriptures also acquaints us with God as He has revealed Himself in them.
Are you able to genuinely say, from your knowledge of God and your relationship with Him, that He is indeed a beautiful Being? If not, let me graciously encourage you to ask God to take you to that point, so you will fully appreciate His gentleness and kindness, so you will be able to say just how good He is, and so you will know what a delight it is to God's heart to do good for His children.
The closer we come to this point in our inner being, the more willing we are to leave ourselves in His hands and the more satisfied we are with all of His dealings with us. Then when trials come, we will say " I will patiently wait to see the good God will do in my life, with the calm assurance He will do it."
In this way, we will bear the testimony to the world and thereby strengthen the lives of others. (written by George Mueller) I thought this was fitting for today.

These past few days Case has been reminding me of Lindsay. He looks like her, is built like her, and does some things that remind me of her. It has been good to just pick him up and hold him tight for a few minutes and thank the Lord for him. Everything that he has been doing is what we have missed with watching Lindsay grow up. Each and every day is so special with all of the boys these days.

I am sorry this is so long but this is what was on my heart this morning.