Written In God's Book

The last few days in my devotions, God has been taking me to Psalm 139. Lately on my mind has been why this happened, and what signs did I miss and should have caught. But then after reading Pslam 139 I am reminded that God knew before Lindsay was even concieved He knew the plan he had for her. One verse that struck me was verse 15-16 it says, My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Wow and so amazing to me. I know that this doesn't take away the pain of her not being here with us but in some small way it helps.
Yesterday a very special friend to our family went home to be with Jesus. Pastor Bill entered heaven's gates and was welcomed in by Jesus. As I was thinking about this today I am hoping that a blonde haired little girl with her Daddy's blue eyes and a smile that could light up a room, went to greet him and give him a great big hug. My friend Melissa also commented on her face book the same exact thing about her little girl. One day we will all enter those gates and I can't wait to see my Lindsay Bear running to welcome us. Please pray for the Raws family as they mourn the loss of a husband, dad, grandfather, and friend. Also keep praying for Mr. Steve. He is doing better but is still very sick. Please keep praying for my Dad as he goes through losing another friend and mentor. Dad and Mom were with Pastor Bill and the family yesterday when he went home. I know that was very hard for both of them to do. I love you Daddy and Mom!!!

Two Months

It's hard to believe that it has been two months today. We aren't exactly at the right time yet but still hard to believe. We have been so blessed over the past 2 months and God has given us so much comfort and strength to get through some hard days. I know this is not the end of the hard times but with our faith in God we can get through it. I was reading in my devotions this morning about trees. The title of the devotional is Graceful Oaks. In the beginning it talks about loving trees in the summer and how majestic and commanding . They offer their leafy, green shade free of charge. They bend in the breeze without breaking and they provide shelter for living creatures. Like the mighty oaks, God planted us in His garden. He put us there to care for all living things that are part of it. He placed us there for His glory. This really stuck out at me after reading it. Lindsay was placed in our garden. He gave her to us to help her grow and for us to take care of her and all for His glory. I have been asking God lately why He had to take her. I think I just got from Him part of my answer. God trusted Jon and I with Lindsay and we helped her grow. WOW! She was a beautiful little girl (like a flower) that grew and now she is even more beautiful in heaven. Our nurse Moria sent me an email yesterday and in her email she sent this poem.
God has not promised skies always blue, flower-shewn pathways all our lives through; God has not promised sun without rain, joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God has promised strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way. Grace for trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy undying love. What a neat poem and a perfect time to send it to.
I would like to ask you to please pray for a good friend of our family Mr. Steve Deichert. He had to have unexpected brain surgery yesterday. He is very critical right now. Mr. Steve is a great man and we got to work with him at Sandy Cove. Also if you could pray for Pastor Bill Raws as he is hanging on to life. My Dad could use your prayers as this has been difficult for him to watch Pastor Bill. After going through all of the things we went through with Lindsay he is going through it again.

Lindsay, We miss you so much and we love you more than you know. You will always be our Lindsay Bear and we will never ever forget you!

One More Day

Today has been a tough day for me as well as Jon. Some days are better than others for us. I don't know what sparked it for today but I am missing Lindsay so much. I am wanting to change her diaper and change her clothes. Jon and Tanner were working in the basement and she is supposed to be done there helping and causing trouble. Some days I just want to hold and snuggle her or hear her say Mommy and Daddy and watch her play with Tanner. This is all so hard and missing her hurts more and more each day. As I sit here and write my feelings tears stream down my face. As I said before I know that God has a reason for taking her home with him and I have to keep holding on to that. A song just came on the the ipod right now about casting all my cares upon the Lord and laying them at his feet. As more tears come from my eyes and remembering that I used to sing that to Lindsay while I held her hand. But how true that song is and that we can cast all our cares, fears, worries, at his feet. Those of you that have little ones don't take for granted all the times you have to change diapers, or clothes, or feed your little one, or hug and kiss them because if I had one more day I would do all those things and more!

She's In His Hands

She's In His Hands

A good friend sent me this picture today. I couldn't help but think of Lindsay when I saw the picture. It made me miss her so much, but what a wonderful

reminder that she is in the arms of our Savior.

I could help but think of Fanny Crosby's hymn, SAFE IN THE ARMS OF JESUS

Safe in the arms of Jesus,

Safe on His gentle breast;

There by His love o’ershaded,

Sweetly my soul shall rest.

Hark! ’tis the voice of angels

Borne in a song to me,

Over the fields of glory,

Over the jasper sea.

Refrain:

Safe in the arms of Jesus,

Safe on His gentle breast;

There by His love o’ershaded,

Sweetly my soul shall rest.

Safe in the arms of Jesus,

Safe from corroding care,

Safe from the world’s temptations;

Sin cannot harm me there.

Free from the blight of sorrow,

Free from my doubts and fears;

Only a few more trials,

Only a few more tears!

Jesus, my heart’s dear Refuge,

Jesus has died for me;

Firm on the Rock of Ages

Ever my trust shall be.

Here let me wait with patience,

Wait till the night is o’er;

Wait till I see the morning

Break on the golden shore.

Lindsay, we love you and miss you.

Life Without Jesus

Here is a poem I read the other day in my Nanny's devotional book.

Life without Jesus would be meaningless.

Life without Jesus would be hopelessness.

Life without Jesus I cannot conceive,

Lord I'm so glad for the day I believed.

Life without Jesus is not life at all.

No one to help us the moment we call.

No one to guide us each step of the way.

No one to answer the moment we pray.

Life without Jesus, life without Him.

Would just be a life that was still full of sin.

No hope for the future, eternity's mourn

Would be better, far better if we weren't born.

But life with the Saviour is life full of joy. (which Lindsay is doing)

Life with the Master no man can destroy.

He's mine for all time and eternity too

If only the world knew what Jesus could do.

The world with it's wealth and it's pleasure combined

Could never compare with salvation that's mine

For Jesus is all that this old world would need

If only they'd open their hearts and believe.

This poem spoke to my heart after I read it. If we didn't know Jesus we would have never made it through this. But we do know Him and that's all we need.

Today I was cleaning out the diaper pail to use when Julie, Garrett, Emma, and Ethan come on Sat. I had set it outside and forgot that there were a few diapers in there. So needless to say it was very smelly and full of rain water. As I was dumping out the water I realized that those were the last 3 diapers I changed at home. That sure made me sad and long more for Lindsay. You forget what it's like to change diapers everyday but I sure miss doing it everyday.

Windsay Did It!

I wasn't going to add a second post but this little story had to be told.

Yesterday afternoon I was cleaning out the van. I vaccumed and washed all the windows and they were sparkling. When we got in the van with Grandpa and Grandma to head to the airport I was sitting in the back with Tanner. I then was noticing places that I had missed when I was cleaning the windows. In the back window I noticed what looked to be finger print marks. I then asked Tanner if he had touched them when he was in the van watching me. He said no Mommy, Windsay did it!!! Needless to say we all broke out in laughter and even he thought he was funny.

Giving Back

Last night Tanner and I rode along to Boston with Grandpa and Grandma. Uncle Arlin and Aunt Linda were supposed to fly into Boston around 7:50 but didn't come in until 1o:30. Anyway, we went along to make a special trip back to Boston Children's Hospital to deliver some gift bags to five special nurses. I was given a whole bunch of lotions and facial stuff to give to them. Tanner and I also added dumb-dums and chocolate. Tanner would hand out dumb-dums to the nurses all the time while we were there. I have been back once since Lindsay went home but Tanner hadn't been back. He was very excited to get there and see what had changed. I was nervous going up the elevator to the 8 floor. Tanner of course got in and said 8th floor right Mommy. We were able to see Joanna, Melissa, Dr. Sarah, and Frank. It was wonderful to see them and to see there faces light up when we handed them there gift bag. It also felt strange not rushing back to bed space 9 to see what was happening. I almost felt lost just standing there and not going back. After we visited for awhile Tanner needed to get to the playroom. You should have heard him all excited about all the new toys that were there. We had some dinner in the cafeteria and then went to eat in the garden. Tanner was thrilled to see the fountains, flowers, and even the playground again. He even got to see the helicopter land and take off. It was a joy for me to watch him be so happy and excited to be back there. Maybe it was healing to him going back.
There is not a day, hour, minute, or second that does not go by that Lindsay is not on my mind. Even starting yesterday out and the tears that came for her. I sat and wondered what her hair would have looked like, listening to her talk even more, seeing her smile and I could go on. I hope sometime God would give me just a glimpse as to what she is doing up there in heaven. Going back to Boston where we spent so much time there and giving back something to the nurses felt so good. I wish I could have brought something for all of them but for those I did I felt joy. Joanna also had mentioned that she had gotten a card from someone and to see her light up talking about getting a card was neat. Please if you feel led to keep sending them cards to just let them know you are praying for them or thanking them please keep doing it. Lindsay's story is still being written and she is still touching people's lives. Lindsay Bear, Mommy loves you and misses you so much!